No one who knows me would say I appear to be distressed over being late anywhere. It happens so often. But, the truth is I hate it and hate the way I feel when I do not arrive on time to the places I need to be in my life. However, until I chose to be serious with myself as to the root of the problem, no one tactic I have ever employed to be on time to anywhere has worked to improve this issue for me.
Recently, on my way to a very important breast cancer follow-up appointment that I anxiously drove to while phone-negotiating to keep–20 minutes after the arrival time–I had the revelation that perhaps I was not the “loser-late-guy” I had come to see myself as; rather, it occurred to me that a deeper issue brewed all these years over that has lead to me to do everything but be on time to my appointments.
While on the way back home (I was informed I had to reschedule again) just a few minutes of doing something I call *symptom “source-searching” (trudging through feelings and thoughts to back-travel to the real reasons I think or do things) helped to reveal what was causing my avoidance of being on time.
To my surprise and some grief in acknowledging it, the answer was a trauma response.
I “saw” that I had been operating in flight (not fight) mode to something I saw as a threat to my personal autonomy and voice–adhering to others’ demand for me to be somewhere when they told me to be there–I was vaguely aware that I felt this way, but not cognizant of why and how deeply I felt the need to protect myself from the feeling of extreme vulnerability I felt when attempting to “conform” to society’s definition of punctuality.
To others, this may sound silly or dismissive of ‘character-related’ habitual tardiness, until you consider how autonomy, choice, and identity are removed in abuse experiences.
Being late had been the endeavor of one of my protective selves (IFC) to put a “distance” between me and those who expected punctuality from me in a misguided effort to establish personal dominance and openly exert my freedom in personal choice.
For many years I have had no idea that I was trying to preserve my self by not conforming (as I saw it, unconsciously) to the requirement of being relied upon in this way, seemingly because I felt generally that I could not rely on myself in this way (or many others)–a testament to the extreme self-doubt that occurs with sexual abuse and other types of trauma.
The need to self-preserve and protect one’s body, decisions, and sense of safety in every social situation is a constant, simmering issue for survivors of sexual abuse. Most often we are not aware that many decisions. behaviors, responses, and attitudes are at work in us to achieve this.
The discoveries I made after delving into my heart about my chronic tardiness issue have really changed me, although the results are definitely a work in progress.
I am more purposeful in ensuring I am aware of appointment dates and times-historically, I have also been lackadaisical about even trying to remember them all (and there are plenteous between me and the grandson I raise) and I am consciously working to schedule appointments in less of a chaotic fashion–no double-booking-which has occurred often due to the overwhelming volume of appointments.
I have finally begun making a positive stride in punctuality regarding both in-person and online appointments without feeling like I am losing something of myself in the process. I have been on time to half of my appointments!
I am learning to take the lead in this area of my life rather than letting the past dictate it.
This is a hard-won, small personal victory that I hope encourages others to feel safer in examining their own challenges stemming from trauma of any kind and perhaps offer someone the example to work on trauma issues we so often have to tuck away without attention in order to survive.
I still challenge “The Man”, raised by hippie missionaries, and being a non-conformist woman, but I can now feel comfortable in letting myself picture and realize being on time to anywhere I need to be without feeling like my personal safety is threatened or at risk.
