At one time, there was a song that contained a line about needing “love insurance,” and that may have signaled something few realized: a dependence and potentially addictive behavior. Studies over the past few decades now show love addiction affects about 5–10% of adults in the United States. But the US is not alone in love addiction because it may affect about 3–26% of the global population.
Usually, there are specific age groups or socioeconomic factors that may lead to higher instances of this type of love addiction. Estimates are that 25% of college students will experience some form of this, especially during their earlier years in college. However, financial stress, lack of resources, and limited access to mental health care can also contribute to emotional dependency in romantic relationships.
People in the early stages of intense romantic love show many signs of behavioral or substance addiction, such as euphoria, cravings, tolerance, mental and physical dependence, withdrawal, and relapse. Remember, romantic love is a natural (and often good) addiction that developed 4 million years ago to help people stay alive by encouraging pair bonding and reproduction.
Now, fMRI brain scans support this idea: intense romantic love activates parts of the brain’s “reward system,” especially dopamine-rich areas that are active during drug and/or behavioral addiction. Because of this, romantic love may affect the same reaction to drug and/or behavioral addictions because it shares reward pathways with a number of different addictions.
What Are the Signs?
It is possible for someone to become obsessed with being with their partner and the love feelings that come with it, which can make it hard to go about daily life. But love “addiction” is not really an addiction, and the symptoms of anxiety, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, and a bad mood or feeling of sadness are not at all like the symptoms of real withdrawal from a drug your body depends on.
But there are some signs of an anxious-insecure attachment including:
1. a strong desire for closeness
2. relying too much on relationships
3. a constant fear about relationships and worry or insecurity
4. fear of being left alone
The symptoms may arise from many causes, most probably from early experiences of security and lack of love, and may indicate an inability for current growth without some assistance.
Researchers have found a link between separation anxiety and insecure attachment, especially when it comes to anxious types. Separation anxiety is the distress that people feel when they are going to be or are about to be separated from an attachment figure. This is a natural reaction that helps babies feel safe and close during early development. But if this worry lasts and gets worse after early childhood, it could be a sign of problems in the parent-child relationship, like insecure attachment, which could make it harder for the child to adjust to adulthood
During my years in practice, I have seen individuals who have an inordinate need for these types of relationships where they are “obsessed” with love and being loved. I’ve seen adult women who act more like teenagers than women who have developed the self-confidence and security we would expect at their age.
This ongoing need is highly disruptive of their lives and can result in somewhat bizarre behavior, such as stalking the prior loved one, intruding in the lives of those associated with that individual, calling on police for alleged protection from the loved one, etc. It literally becomes a wholly absorbing activity that they cannot shake.
While it is true that there is no DSM-5 category for this type of “addiction,” it does require some type of remediation for the person. Lacking some guidance in this development would mean that their behavior can, much like a pebble in a pond, circle out to all of the relationships in their lives. It is not a happy prospect and anyone who has found themselves in this situation would want to seek some help. Researchers have provided an indication of areas that can be of assistance and can distract the brain from one reward system to a similar one that is not negative in nature. What do they recommend?
Redirecting and Change
Although it is a problem in human development, this type of disturbed reaction attachment in adults can be corrected, if it is recognized by the individual who wishes to change. We must remember that therapy is not always an answer, especially when someone doesn’t feel they need to change or when they are ordered to therapy by the court. I believe court-ordered therapy is insufficient; many patients don’t change.
But, in less extreme cases, what may a person try to do to help themselves? Consider that there are other forms that redirect the brain’s reward system, and that can, in some instances, provide help.
Therapy, of a cognitive behavioral type, can offer help by:
- figuring out why you are person is so focused on love
- discovering new ways to love and care for themselves
- changing unhelpful and unwanted habits of behavior
- boosting self-esteem, which can help them approach future relationships in a healthier way
Finding other things to focus on is essential because one sign of this fascination is having constant, even overwhelming, thoughts about love and relationships.
Of course, this can mean many different things. They can choose things that keep their mind active and help them feel good about their self-worth. It might also mean, engaging in some activity where they will be able to develop self-confidence, such as a creative course in some school or advancing toward a degree in some area. If you note that financial stress can precipitate this type of involvement, one way to address this would be to seek an area of study that would promote one’s economic status.
Some other things that can make them feel the same “happy hormones” as love are working out, listening to music, getting a massage, and watching a funny movie. And, of course, everyone should learn to practice relaxation exercises, as well as breathing to reduce stress.
When we consider love addiction, we must also consider the person’s willingness for change. This is not an easy task, and many people will resist and offer reasons for engaging in this behavior that are not negative. There is a lack of recognition in too many people that they need to change and that not doing so will only result in poor outcomes in the future.
