I freeze in my place, transfixed on His face. His eyes exude Grace, Power, and Majesty. But most of all, they exude love; a deep love. I forget about the ride, which has since arrived and is waiting for me. I walk straight up to Him. 

I look into his eyes, and I want to say something, but the words cannot come out of my mouth, no matter how hard I try. He smiles at me, as if to say, “It’s OK.” I try to stay standing, but my legs collapse. I would have fallen hard to the ground, hitting my head, but He catches me and holds me in His Arms. 

I can’t talk. All I can do is sob uncontrollably, screaming into His Chest. And all He does is squeeze me closer, saying, “It’s OK. Let it all out.”

For those not familiar, “finding God on First and Amistad” is a reference to the song by The Fray titled “You Found Me.” The song tells the story of what happened when the head singer met God and had it out with Him. If this were to happen to me, however, the interaction – as outlined above – would have been completely different. 

This month, on the 30th, our eldest daughter would have turned 26. She died before she could turn 13, losing a vicious battle with cancer, chemotherapy, and gram-negative septic shock that ultimately sent her back to the Lord. The darkness of the cold, winter days is always compounded by the darkness of her death. 

There is not a day that goes by in which I do not grieve her death. There is not a day that goes by in which my heart doesn’t scream out in pain over her loss. There is not a day that goes by in which that pain does not threaten to suffocate me. 

I have been showered with so much blessings and happiness. I can never be grateful enough to the Lord; I can never show that gratitude with enough righteousness and worship that is worthy of Him. 

And every day I try – with all my weaknesses, shortcomings, and hypocrisies – to live a life of righteousness to the best of my ability. This is so that, one day, I can be reunited with her and see her beautiful smile again – free of the disability and affliction from which she suffered so much – and hug her so very tightly, tears streaming down my face. I pray to the Lord that He gives me that day and lets me spend eternity reunited with my entire family. 

Some may object to the anthropomorphism, and indeed, He is far above, far more Perfect, than any description can ever convey. And I write this to express how much pain I endure each day, and how true it is that only the Lord my God truly understands that through which I am going. And that I am only standing here today, sharing this with you, because it was He who lifted me up and prevented me from falling to the ground. 

Happy Birthday my beautiful Booboo. Baba misses you so very much. 

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